Tuesday, August 28, 2007

DCA (Reagan National Airport)

Reagan National is like a home away from home for a Senator like me. I probably fly in or out of Reagan at least a couple of times a week. So I'm a real expert. The North Pier is definitely the best part of the airport. All the South Pier has is Einstein Bros. Bagels and a terrible case of genital warts. You don't want to know. Airports are more dangerous than you think. The whole world today is so much more frightening than when I was growing up. That's part of why I became a Senator. I wanted to make the world safer for children, for business travelers, and for men who enjoy meeting strangers in the bathroom. I didn't want people to have to worry about gang violence, or herpes. When I'm at Reagan National, there's nothing I like better than enjoying Five Guys. I'm of course talking about Five Guys Burgers and Fries in the North Pier. Jiminy! Of course you knew that's what I was talking about! What else would I be talking about? Jiminy! When I'm done with Five Guys, I'm usually ready for -- what else?? -- a long trip to the bathroom. Day well spent!


"At Reagan National, I always enjoy putting Five Guys in my mouth! Delicious!"

Sunday, August 26, 2007

JAC (Jackson Hole Airport)

Whenever I travel, I'm always on the lookout for undiscovered little holes-in-the-wall I can take advantage of. There's nothing more rewarding than finding a brand new place, hopefully pretty clean, that can provide a little bit of fun on a dark day. I get excited just thinking about the name Jackson Hole. It reminds me of Jedediah's restaurant, a Jackson favorite downtown that's only recently expanded to the airport. An even better expansion: there are restrooms not only at the north end of the terminal, but also in the boarding area ("for your convenience," according to the website... and it certainly couldn't be much more convenient than that! I also love to make purchases at the Grand Teton Park Book Shop, where proceeds support the educational, interpretive, and scientific programs in Grand Teton National Park. I love the national parks. When I've had enough of the indoors, and security cameras, and police officers, and crowded bathroom stalls, I love to go into the Great Outdoors and follow a friendly face down a backwoods trail. It only takes a few minutes to become refreshed enough that you can face the day with a brand new outlook on life. I hate myself.


"Jackson Hole is a Wyoming hole I am glad to have discovered!"

Friday, August 24, 2007

FAI (Fairbanks International Airport)

My Senate colleague Ted Stevens, from the great state of Alaska, is one of my closest friends and allies. I enjoy visiting him when I need to get far away from it all, even if he doesn't know I'm coming and I don't get in touch with him while I'm there. But, I don't know, a state with so many men than women, where I don't know anyone, and everyone needs to huddle close to stay warm, especially in the bathroom -- well, that's my kind of place! The Fairbanks airport is so inviting that sometimes I never even leave! Jiminy! I just find a place to hunker down for a while, tap my foot, and the wonders begin! TWIGS Alaskan Gifts, located on the upper level of the Terminal, has beautiful Alaskan-made handicrafts that can be bartered in exchange for services in the lower-level restroom. And the ATM provides easy access to cash for unplanned expenses, when your charm and handsome smile aren't quite enough. The Bush Pilot Restaurant is open until 1 A.M.


"I give the Fairbanks Airport two fingers under the stall and one leer through the cracks! An A-plus!"

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

BUF (Buffalo Niagara International Airport)

Some airports impress me with the local food and beverage selections, like the Salt Lick Barbecue at Austin-Bergstrom International. But sometimes you just want some food that's going to fill you up and force you to make an extra trip to the bathroom before you board. I love bathrooms. And I love the Matties Texas Red Hots at the Buffalo airport, with stands located near Gate 21 and Gate 4. The website describes the food better than I can: "A local favorite serving a variety of smoked sausages with all of your favorite toppings." Jiminy, that's good! Even better, they start serving at 5 A.M. on Monday through Friday, so you can get that sausage fix as early in the day as you like. 5 A.M. is also when the airport police begin their daily walk-throughs, so just in case you're keeping guard, you might want to finish up whatever you're doing by about 4:50. The odds are pretty slim that anyone's ever going to bother you, whatever it is you're doing, but just to be safe, you may want to zip up by then. One thing that I dislike about the Buffalo airport is that they charge $6.95 a day for wireless Internet. When you're visiting multiple airports a day, like I often do when I'm in an especially frisky mood, those Internet charges can add up quickly. It makes me angry. The whole point of going to the airport instead of a hotel is that it's free! (Besides the airport having planes that let you travel places, but that's not the point! Jiminy!)


"34.5% of flights out of Buffalo are delayed! And they're always out of paper towels! Jiminy!"

Monday, August 20, 2007

AMA (Rick Husband Amarillo Airport)

One of the best things about flying as often as I do is that I get to discover terrific small airports all around the country. It's a bit of a secret, but did you know that every single airport has at least one bathroom? Just a little piece of advice. Whenever I hear about Rick Husband Amarillo Airport, I think of Rick Husband, the commander of the space shuttle Columbia, and I wonder what he looked like, and how they go to the bathroom in space, and what he looked like. And I wonder what it would be like to have a Husband named Rick. I mean what it's like for wives to have husbands and how nice that must feel. I mean I think about how Amarillo airport is an international port of entry, and I wonder about the different ports and the different entries. Did you know Amarillo has excellent flying weather, with over 336 VFR days per year? My legislative assistant in charge of aviation tells me that VFR stands for Visual Flight Rules. I used to let my legislative assistants have their own bathroom in their part of my senate office, but now I make them come into my private office and use the bathroom in here. Amarillo's main runway is 13,502 feet long! Jiminy!


"It's important to take a few moments to think about Rick Husband whenever you're in the Amarillo airport. If you'd like to join me in a silent moment of reflection, try the stall all the way on the right."

Saturday, August 18, 2007

JFK (John F. Kennedy International Airport)

For a small-town boy like me, an airport as big as Kennedy can be overwhelming. Luckily, there are lots of bathrooms where you can stop to catch your breath, wiggle your fingers, and rub your foot against a neighbor's. But in between your trips to the restroom (especially the one in Terminal 4!), there is so much to do at JFK! I love to go shopping at the Salvatore Ferragamo store in Terminal 1, and I've had many a meal at the Sbarro in the food court in Terminal 3. They just don't make pizza like that in Idaho. Sometimes I like to go to the International Terminal and create my own salad (at the appropriately named "Create Your Own Salad") or just people-watch all of the foreign travelers, and look for one who I think might be interested in getting to know me a little bit better. I love to make new friends in the international terminal, especially ones who don't speak English and won't be able to identify me. It's fun to make new friends, even when you're a Senator. So often, when you're in a position like mine, people expect things from you because you're famous. They expect you to shake their hands, and be friendly, and have a wife. Sometimes you don't want to shake their hands or have a wife. Sometimes you just want to go to the bathroom, or meet new people, or do both at the same time. One of the best things about JFK are all of the sandwich shops! It isn't just Au Bon Pain anymore!


"The international terminals are a great place to try new foods, unwind in the bathroom, or try new foods!"

Friday, August 17, 2007

LGB (Long Beach Airport)

I'll tell you a secret: flying into small regional airports is often a lot easier than the big international ones. You get in and out so much faster, the security line is shorter, and the bathrooms are much cleaner. Plus, there are fewer police officers organizing sting operations. Just a thought. When I fly into the Los Angeles area, I prefer flying into Long Beach. Even though I'm from Idaho, I love the beach. Men (and women, of course) wearing hardly any clothing, often times drinking and therefore more open to the advances of older gentlemen who may not be entirely comfortable with themselves and their sexuality. I'm talking about my cousin Barry. It's a shame. He likes to have sex with men. Not me. Just Barry. Barry Craig. He once told me that in the Long Beach Airport, there's a handicapped-accessible bathroom, way in the back, near the Prop Room Restaurant and Bar, where men sometimes go to have sex with each other. Jiminy! That's disgusting! When I'm in the Long Beach Airport, instead of having sex with men, I go to the Paradise Gift Shop. They have a $1 newspaper and bottle of water special! It's important to keep yourself hydrated, especially after strenuous exercise, or an exciting new adventure with a fellow traveler. It's fun to meet people on the road.


"Don't forget the FAA airport abbreviation LGB. That's L for Larry, G for Great Airport, and B for Bathroom!"

Thursday, August 16, 2007

BOI (Boise Airport)

My home airport is one of my favorites! They've got free wireless Internet, sponsored by the Idaho Business Review! Jiminy! I love eating at the Maui Taco in the Terminal Food Court. The shrimp tacos are incredible. It makes me feel like I'm on a beach in Hawaii (all lathered up with sunscreen) instead of in Idaho! Not that I don't love Idaho! But it can get pretty claustrophobic in a state where everyone knows you, and they're all watching your every move. Not that I have anything to hide. But sometimes we all feel like being anonymous, don't we? Maybe taking a few minutes to read the paper, watch TV, or go to the bathroom without being hounded by constituents, or reporters from the Idaho Statesman? Is that so much to ask? In any case, when you finish your shrimp taco, you might be just like me and need to use the facilities. In that case, I recommend the middle stall, on Thursdays between 4 and 6. Just knock three times. Oh, and don't forget the White Pines Travel Mart on Concourse B! They have adorable pine cone magnets that my wife loves.


"The FAA abbreviation for the Boise Airport is spot-on, because BOI is this is a terrific airport! And BOI are the bathrooms clean! I wish my life was filled with BOIs."